Week 5 - Alchemy

The catalyst in my life that really made a massive difference, was my rough addiction to marijuana. I know it sounds like something that isn't possible, and that its "not addictive", but when you really revolve your life around it, it can seriously change you. I was unmotivated, not caring, and straight up lazy. I never hit the gym, never cared to do anything other than chill and laugh a little. I didn't have a car, a job, anything. Luckily for me, I was very well off because of my family. Nobody knew I did any of the things I did, and I wouldn't consider myself a junkie, I was just a teen trying to relax. I never did anything, I procrastinated 24/7, it just didn't matter, I had zero you-know-whats to give. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a strung out kid on a corner, like I said I was well off, but I just felt so disconnected, and felt it was time to call it quits.

For me, quitting was no easy thing, especially since I did it cold turkey. One day I just couldn't live so on edge. I loved the body high, but what it did to my head really freaked me out a lot. My friends and I called it "bugging out" but really its just sort of an anxiety attack. I basically would get so high that I'd feel disconnected and unaware, that when I felt I needed to be aware of a certain situation, I couldn't. I always feel that I need to be sharp mentally, its who I am. I was so anxious, that especially when I quit, I was having massive panic attacks that kept me out of school for a short while. I was a little depressed, didn't have much of an appetite, and even had trouble sleeping. The worst part in my opinion other than the anxiety, is that I felt that nothing was funny to me anymore. All of these things went away in time, but I couldn't even stand it.  I felt like my personality died. The anxiety was so bad that I felt literally (and I do mean literally) felt like I was constantly walking in a dream. Some call it brain fog. Think of your worst mental hangover, where you couldn't function properly because of the previous nights events, and then consider that every day for a month or two straight. It was awful, and horrifying.

Quitting was a lifesaver because of all of the progress I made. I broke the habit, killed off the rut and routine that even my friends have struggled to beat, and I feel better than ever. I'm not always so anxious as previously, and I can function better than ever. My memory, my athleticism, my ability to think and preform at such a high level has never felt so good. Some people might have relapsed from it, but I've been pot-free for about eight months now. I know it sounds like not that big of a deal, but to me it is. It was the reason I had nothing going for me other than athletics, and now I just feel so much more alive. I know it seems easy, but when you smoke EVERY day for two years straight, a change of habit can be hard. I've never felt more sophisticated and able to live, and I'm proud to say I love it.


The Habit

I always needed to sit back and relax slow
feel the pressure ease on my body from the smoke
just another hit as I lit and then I toke
five dollars a day is what I pay but now I'm broke
A change is what I needed and that is in no way a joke

Cold turkey isn't always the best way
but in this case a I really had no say

I felt like it would kill me
no high to fill me
I couldn't eat
let alone go to sleep
I felt so damn beat

24/7 I felt so destroyed
until one day I went out and got employed
took my mind of things so I could avoid
all my feelings that were coming through the void

Now I was making money out of nowhere,
my bank account grew and I had a job
I never thought Id go there
I got bigger and stronger in both my body and my brain
I guess quitting is what made me feel less insane

Sometimes what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
well I didn't think I could go any longer

turns out it was my best decision yet
all of this alchemy i never knew I possessed.