What I am grateful for

I often try not to take anything for granted. I know that in the world we live in today, that isn't very easy to do. I guess I take technology for granted, seeing as each and every day as the technology I use (TV, computers, games, phone, etc) fails me, I get a little angry. I suppose I'm not always so actively grateful for that. I suppose I also take my education for granted. I constantly forget that things like these aren't available to everyone, hell their hardly available to anyone. I often take for granted the food I eat, water I drink, along with all of the resources I have access to. Hell I think its even fair to say I take friends for granted. Maybe I'm not grateful enough that I even have such great friends. Having a roof over my head sometimes goes over my head and I completely forget how blessed I am to live the life I do. Long story short, there are plenty of things out there that I take for granted.

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A reason for this might be because I am always thinking of things that I AM grateful for. I don't want to sound like Mr. Thanksgiving over here, but I really do think of a lot of things over the course of the day that I'm thankful for. I do realize how blessed I am to have a job, and I do realize how blessed I am to have such a wonderful family. I'm actively thinking about how grateful I am to not have to worry about money so often during the day that it isn't funny. I know that people out there are cursed with some pretty rough sicknesses, and I'm happy to only catch the common cold once in a while, or maybe wake up hungover. Hell I thank God for every day that I wake up in general. I know that there are some people out there who fear that when they go to sleep, it may be the last time they do so. While I know its unlikely that it will happen, I'm the type of person that entertains all forms of possibilities, and not waking up can absolutely be one. Long story short, from our culture to our economic standing, I'm grateful for a vast amount of things in my life.

I think that I could definitely take in nature a whole lot more. While I constantly find it a breeze to take in the man made wonders that we have today, I really don't have a vast knowledge of exploration for it. I don't surround myself all that often in the worlds natural beauty. I don't really stop and stare and say wow, look at this. I often however find myself of twitter pages that show images containing beautiful natural views and scenes, but I cant say I've ever really been at one in real life. I guess when it comes down to it, I just don't really go to those places enough. In this world, that is kind of common. Still however its a rough thing to realize that your natural surroundings are hidden somewhat.



Haikus of the Simple Things

I am truly blessed
to know a family that
is as great as mine


Although I am not
rich, my life is full of wealth
life's bank is secure


I have not a feast
like a kings but the food owned
is plenty for me


A sage I am not
though a true scholar I am
thankful is my mind


I can't say for sure
What is held in tomorrow
Though I am thankful

Fears and Obstacles

I generally am a very calm man. I usually don't feel the need to stress over things that I know I can either control or directly influence. However, when it comes to those things that I simply have no control over, such as aging, disease, death, loss of friends and family, My anxieties and obstacles really come from what unfortunately is the inevitable and, in some cases, the unknown. It seems that the human condition is by far the most terrifying thing to me as well as to many people across the globe. I truly only fear things that will affect my health and well-being, because as far as I'm concerned - its only hard work that's going to bring me everything else I need.


All of these obstacles are there because...well, that's life. I can't control the fact that one day we all have to go. It's a sad thought that occasionally crosses my mind, and is one that I hate, but its true. I hate to get all depressing and what not, but its just the way things need to be. The human condition is something that can't really be reversed, nor stopped (that we know of), but even if it could, we would need to find another place to live as opposed to Earth. Disease will always emerge and spread, and cancer at this point will affect one in three people. That's just an insane number if you ask me. It's just worse in my opinion that I may have to watch my whole family pass away before me. It is a sickening thought, but one that can't really go away.

I simply process these fears by breathing and exercising. I often sit down, pretend like I can't hear anything, close my eyes and breathe. I will sit there and not acknowledge any bit of outside stimulus, and just picture all of my fears on leaves and watch them blow away. I often lift heavy weights when I feel this way as well, because not only do I feel like I can lift slightly more than usual, but I feel like it can take away all of my focus from those things and make me able to relax. Other than those two strategies, I really don't have nor use any other techniques to channel my fears and anxieties.





Why
My anxieties always bring my life to a stall
how are we so relevant but still so awfully small
in the galaxy, it makes me feel not so relevant at all
but this stress is nothing I know I can break through that wall

Sometimes when I'm in the mirror I ask why
why must we all fade away from the blue skies
I never hurt nobody no I'm a good guy
but theres only one shot in life no retries

These fears can't shake me they don't know what its like to fall
on my shoulders is saints - no devils - peter and paul
when I close my eyes I'm deaf to the fear I cant hear their calls
they cant toss me around like I'm nothing but a rag doll

I will always be the one to ask why
but never be the one to just cry
I know that I'll never say goodbye
I know that with my mark I wont die

Week 6: My everyday thoughts

The roar of thunder wakes me up on this cold fall day. Its about time, its 12:30 and I have work at 5. So many things, so little time. I realize I have work for this class due in a few days and should probably get started on it. I walk down the stairs to the bathroom and really begin to feel the cold on my hands and feet, especially due to the tile floor that always seems to trap the cold. I crawl back upstairs and flee into bed as I promise myself I'll get another hour of sleep even though I have tasks that need to be done. My eyes slowly begin to close as I can't seem to stop being bothered by my fan that is blowing the ever freezing air onto me. I get up and turn it off, and realize sleep isn't going to happen. Once I'm downstairs I switch on my computer and get started writing this, in which this is where I find myself now.



Everything around me is changing. Buildings being built, people growing up. Its a strange time for a kid like me. Many of my friends are away at dorms. Some of them aren't so great, while I wish I lived at others. UMass Amherst always stuck out to me, so did Penn State. Really not looking forward to working today, especially with this cold. Stress weighs on my shoulders for the upcoming events in my life. So many fun things to come, yet so little time to plan them. Knowing that I need to get this trip organized and people on board in ten days is actually daunting. I hate thinking of these things, but I seriously need to get them done and over with.

My family is significantly older than most families of kids my age. Seeing as I'm 18, and I don't have a single close family member under the age of 55 in my life things are kind of stressful in an unspoken way. Never know when things could go south. People can get sick, pass away, get hurt. I always tell myself not to think of things that way, but its tough you know the inevitable will hit you eventually. Other than that I do love life, and cant really complain otherwise. Despite the constant dry feeling of home things are good. Work and school are going well. If I could only get this murky feeling out of my head I'd feel perfect. I'm always worried about somebody in the family. Dads always cranky, moms always too content, gram's getting old and the only sane ones are auntie and uncle. I feel an unrest in my life, one that must be settled, but can never be satisfied. It motivates me. From my own imperfections to those of the people I love, I feel motivated to forever grow better and

When I stop, I notice 

When I stop, I notice

all of the beauty surrounding me

the bees are buzzing loud, but are on their last legs

the cars all drive by ever so slowly, yet quicker than the time we have

to capture them in our memories

there are so many things to focus on

the trees look like broccoli in the distance

the buildings look like legos

When I stop, I notice 

how every nature filled niche is being fulfilled

I can smell the flowers despite their season coming to an end

I notice all of the little ants working as one

yet warring with ants of other territories

When I stop, I notice 

how close the clouds are to my reach

it seems I could jump and touch them

yet I know the airplanes that fly within them 

are thousands of feet away.

When I stop, I notice 

all of the people going about their busy days

not taking time to notice ever little thing around them

I notice all of the little boys with oil in their spoons, 

moving as efficiently as they can without spilling a drop,

without noticing all of the beauty around them

they miss the architecture 

they miss the nature

When I stop, I notice

all of the people living out their days

masking the beauty which surrounds themselves

both intentionally, and unintentionally.

When I stop, I notice the vibe of the world around me

it is peaceful, yet disturbed

people live a content life 

yet wish to find no deeper meaning

they live like the sheep,

when they could learn, to live with the potential they hold within themselves. 

This is the exact view I used to describe what I did in the poem. Its a view from a rock upon Wrights Tower in Medford, MA, my hometown. (this image obviously, is not my own)

Week 5 - Alchemy

The catalyst in my life that really made a massive difference, was my rough addiction to marijuana. I know it sounds like something that isn't possible, and that its "not addictive", but when you really revolve your life around it, it can seriously change you. I was unmotivated, not caring, and straight up lazy. I never hit the gym, never cared to do anything other than chill and laugh a little. I didn't have a car, a job, anything. Luckily for me, I was very well off because of my family. Nobody knew I did any of the things I did, and I wouldn't consider myself a junkie, I was just a teen trying to relax. I never did anything, I procrastinated 24/7, it just didn't matter, I had zero you-know-whats to give. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a strung out kid on a corner, like I said I was well off, but I just felt so disconnected, and felt it was time to call it quits.

For me, quitting was no easy thing, especially since I did it cold turkey. One day I just couldn't live so on edge. I loved the body high, but what it did to my head really freaked me out a lot. My friends and I called it "bugging out" but really its just sort of an anxiety attack. I basically would get so high that I'd feel disconnected and unaware, that when I felt I needed to be aware of a certain situation, I couldn't. I always feel that I need to be sharp mentally, its who I am. I was so anxious, that especially when I quit, I was having massive panic attacks that kept me out of school for a short while. I was a little depressed, didn't have much of an appetite, and even had trouble sleeping. The worst part in my opinion other than the anxiety, is that I felt that nothing was funny to me anymore. All of these things went away in time, but I couldn't even stand it.  I felt like my personality died. The anxiety was so bad that I felt literally (and I do mean literally) felt like I was constantly walking in a dream. Some call it brain fog. Think of your worst mental hangover, where you couldn't function properly because of the previous nights events, and then consider that every day for a month or two straight. It was awful, and horrifying.

Quitting was a lifesaver because of all of the progress I made. I broke the habit, killed off the rut and routine that even my friends have struggled to beat, and I feel better than ever. I'm not always so anxious as previously, and I can function better than ever. My memory, my athleticism, my ability to think and preform at such a high level has never felt so good. Some people might have relapsed from it, but I've been pot-free for about eight months now. I know it sounds like not that big of a deal, but to me it is. It was the reason I had nothing going for me other than athletics, and now I just feel so much more alive. I know it seems easy, but when you smoke EVERY day for two years straight, a change of habit can be hard. I've never felt more sophisticated and able to live, and I'm proud to say I love it.


The Habit

I always needed to sit back and relax slow
feel the pressure ease on my body from the smoke
just another hit as I lit and then I toke
five dollars a day is what I pay but now I'm broke
A change is what I needed and that is in no way a joke

Cold turkey isn't always the best way
but in this case a I really had no say

I felt like it would kill me
no high to fill me
I couldn't eat
let alone go to sleep
I felt so damn beat

24/7 I felt so destroyed
until one day I went out and got employed
took my mind of things so I could avoid
all my feelings that were coming through the void

Now I was making money out of nowhere,
my bank account grew and I had a job
I never thought Id go there
I got bigger and stronger in both my body and my brain
I guess quitting is what made me feel less insane

Sometimes what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
well I didn't think I could go any longer

turns out it was my best decision yet
all of this alchemy i never knew I possessed.